Breakfast at Helmut’s

As anyone who has seen a Ready-Brek advert can tell you, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Also, according this advert, children are centrally heated by their stomachs. That last part may have been created in the fevered imagination of a marketing exec, but it’s hard to deny the importance of breakfast. Currently my breakfast of champions is porridge, simply because as you get older you are contractually obliged to become slowly less and less interesting. It’s hard to believe that only a few years ago, I would have beaten to death any person that told me Ricicles were not the greatest and best way to start the day. Then again, I was a student and the general start of my day was around 2pm. Ricicles, Ready-Brek or porridge, all of these choices tell you a little about a person. For instance Ricicles suggest that you aspire to wear shoes and have a bath at some point in the future, but not for a couple of hours. Ready-Brek tells the observer that you’re still 12. Finally porridge shows that you are a handsome and intelligent man about town. However, what can breakfast tell you about the Germans? I have no idea but I’ll give it a try.

Salami & Ham


Whenever I’ve eaten breakfast in a hotel or at a particularly fancy friends house, I’ve always been more than a little confused by the salami and ham option. I mean, they’re not so abnormal, after all ham is just uninteresting bacon. However, I can never really trust them as a breakfast option. All pig products should be fried as a legal requirement, not doing so could lead to accusations of gross negligence. Salami on the other hand is way above my breakfast pay grade. I have no problem with it taking a starring role in any pizza I happen to order, but as an accompaniment to orange juice and a waffle? I’m not convinced. 

What it says: I’m an elitist. You can keep your frying and your bacon, I desire the artisan taste with my coffee. Of course, anyone who says artisan in this current climate must be met with a swift kick in the chorizo.

Cheese & Onions


Just as with the two above choices, I understand cheese in the breakfast menagerie. It comes from cows, what higher credentials could you ask for? However, sometimes lines need to be drawn. I personally could see cheese being welcomed to my table, but only if it dropped the dirty onions. Really? Onions? Far be it from me to tell people what to eat, but I have to question the logic of the German cheese and onion breakfast mix. After devouring that and a few cups of coffee, I dread to think how your colleagues react to you coming in to the office smelling like the collective British stereotype of all Europeans.

What it says: I hate my digestion and all the people I work with/know/say hi to in the hallway.


TomatoSoup_DT (1)

I can really buy into this option, what could be a better way to start the day than a nice bowl of soup? It’s filling, easy to eat and shouldn’t take too long to prepare. Although I could get used to eating it in the morning, I do have a number of reservations. Firstly, how much must a country love potatoes that they find a way of incorporating them into every meal? There are few nations that can rival Germany’s potato fetish and it’s obvious there are problems when you have to peel a few before you can have a morning shower. The second major issue is that one wrong shopping trip could see you scoffing ox tail at seven in the morning or worse still, starting the day with a few bowls of Mulligatawny. No one needs that in their lives.

 What it says: I’m adventurous, exciting and suffering stomach cramps while on my moring commute. important point



Germany and Britain may occasionally disagree about the small things, but the two tend to be in agreement about one important point: sausages are the kings of breakfast. Whether you choose to boil them, fry them, microwave them or grill them, sausages answer all questions with a satisfying meaty confidence. The weisswurst Frühstuck is one of the sacred Bavarian meals that is welcome at church, in the home or simply as a nice workplace surprise. Furthermore, the Germans have managed to solve the age old problem that has perplexed Britons since we first minced up a tasty, tasty pig; how can we drink stigma free beer at 8am? Simple, turn it into a tradition. If I went for breakfast and ordered a pint of bitter with my Coco-pops, people might start to ask questions. Order a weisswurst Frühstuck in Germany and people would think you crazy for not ordering a complimentary pint, it’s the rules.

What it says: I have very few boundaries and I won’t be good to drive for at least 12 hours.

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