2013 is slowly receding into the distance and as we stand forlornly on the a railway platform, waving a hanky, we wipe a single tear from our collective eyes. Oh, 2013, you were such a lovely companion with all your choice tit-bits of news and occasional revelations, we’ll miss you. But wait! Who is this hot piece of tail flirtatiously striding towards us? Why, it’s 2014 and by god look at those gams! Yes gentle reader, welcome to the wonder that is 2014 and with only three weeks gone, anything could happen. I had fully intended on writing some kind of review of 2013, but who cares about that old 365 day whore when we have the sexy and alluring wonder of 2014 to discuss. With so many possibilities ahead of us, someone with some inside information on the events of the next year might be very useful. Well my small, yet loyal, cadre of readers I happen to have the inside track on some of the major news stories of the next twelve months. Here for your aimless perusal are the major events of 2014.
Angela Merkel: Stunt woman
As I’m sure many of you are already aware, German Chancellor Angela Merkel fractured her hip during an ill fated cross country skiing session this month. Although it was reported as an accident by many major news outlets, I can reveal the truth. Angela Merkel has secretly been training to be the next great movie stunt woman. She may currently be in charge of one of the worlds strongest economies, but she has always harboured a desire to pull handbrake turns, fall dramatically from saloon rooftops and be a punch bag for ever decreasingly rubbish Jackie Chan movies. Obviously, for security reasons she claimed to have been injured skiing, but in reality she was re-enacting the opening sequence of the James Bond classic ‘The Spy Who Loved Me‘ when her parachute failed. Although she’s actually in a full body cast at present, no one can tell since she appears to be as stiff as she ever was. Although admirable, I might suggest you practice your landings Angie. Tuck and roll.
Aliens finally arrive, Daily Mail scares them off
The recent sightings of UFOs around Bremen airport is surely only the beginning of what will be termed ‘The Year of First Contact’. After initially flirting with various aeroplanes, assuming of course these to be the highest form of life on earth, our new little green buddies will attempt to advance our planet’s technology, cure all illness and generally make us all happy. Sadly, their overtures of peace and prosperity are misconstrued by Paul Dacre and The Daily Mail, who assume that the arrival of aliens can mean only one thing; intergalactic benefits cheats. Before you can say “world peace sounds nifty” a series of front page splashes declare that all the Aliens really want is a free council house and to live off the British taxpayer. Although firmly anti-ET, the Mail does sell a load of papers after paparazzi shots of Chewbacca in a bikini come to light.
Apple can no longer be arsed
In a show of complete contempt for consumers, Apple lazily phone in a new product at the end of September. The new Apple iStick is immediately revealed to be simply an apple with an old USB stick rammed in the side of it. Although costing roughly 90p to produce, the new iStick retails for around €800 and sees thousands of fashionable looking types queueing for the next six months to buy one.
UK for rent
Having sold off the post office, the NHS, the royal baby and 72% of Stephen Fry, the British government run out of things to sell. In what many consider to be a rather bold move, David Cameron and Nick Clegg set about trying to rent out various parts of the UK as holiday homes and venues for social functions. The plan seems to be going well, until some rowdy Americans spill wine all over Wales and follow up by being sick on Cornwell. Having refused to pay for the dry cleaning, the UK decides to keep the Americans deposit, which in turn leads to an international incident. Fearing the worst, Cameron and Clegg allow the US government to annex Stoke. They promptly return it the next day, although with slight water damage.
I look forward to seeing if any of this comes true and I hope you all have vaguely exciting 2014s, unless of course you don’t.