Due to the success of my last news round up, I decided to get in on the lucrative world of news. Ok, it’s not so lucrative. Also, for full disclosure, today’s title is kind of misleading. There isn’t much sex, unless of course you consider Boris Johnson to be sexy. In that case you have serious issues and probably should look into psychological help. Actually, I’m following the ancient custom of sexing up stories to grab the interest of the casual reader. HA, you’ve fallen into my sleazy trap. What I actually include is an odd invention, a potentially offensive bird and some depressed German holidaymakers. All that and Boris Johnson. For free. Right in your eye holes. I am honestly too nice to you readers, I should perhaps start getting nasty…Oh, who am I kidding, I couldn’t do that. Now, enough of the idle threats and lets travel to Germany for some of the top news stories this week.
Drunk invention excitement
By Sunday, in many parts of Germany, the temperature will be hitting around 37-40 degrees. This has led me to attempt, with little success, to come up with ways to keep cool. Although my ice cube boxer shorts seemed the perfect idea, I did have to spend several embarrassing hours in A&E explaining to various nurses why my nether regions had frostbite. While that’s all I could think up, some ingenious German fellows in the town of Chemnitz have come up with a better way to enjoy the summer sun. They managed to combine the luxury of a personal swimming pool, with the luxury of driving a convertible BMW. They even had the foresight to include some decorative planks around the side and a nice selection of summer flowers. Sadly, the genius of this new summer transport was slightly tempered by the fact they decided to get drunk and drive around their village. All great inventors have one or two flaws in their personality. Luckily for the local population, and not so luckily for the boozed up boffins, the police soon intervened and chased them through the streets, losing much of their water as they went. After abandoning the vehicle in a car park, one male was finally captured after he returned to get his trousers. On second thoughts, maybe these guys weren’t so smart. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
What a cock-up
Art is sometimes difficult to comprehend. As the great artist Calvin declared “My work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance”. With this in mind, German artist Katharina Fritsch has unveiled her new work in London. As part of the ongoing fourth plinth project in Trafalgar Square, she chose to erect a giant blue Cockerel. Claiming the piece represented “strength and regeneration”, many observers have begun to notice some troubling issues. Trafalgar Square, as I’m sure some of you are aware (those who stayed awake in history class), is dedicated to the victory of the British navy against the French and Spanish fleets during the Napoleonic wars. Slap-bang in the centre of the square, atop a giant column, is the mastermind of that victory, Admiral Lord Nelson. What has that got to do with a large blue bird, well lots. Unofficially, the cockerel is the symbol of France and can be found adoring many of their national sports teams shirts. You might think this is simply a, well, for want of a better phrase, a cock-up. At least that’s what Fritsch is saying. Although she did go onto comment “But it’s a nice humorous side-effect to have something French in a place that celebrates victory over Napoleon,”. Dammit, she meant it!
Boris Johnson hates everyone
For the uninitiated, London mayor Boris Johnson is the modern day embodiment of every stereotype of the British upper class. Part bumbling oaf, part calculating political operator, it appears Johnson’s mission in life is to see how much power one man can accumulate by continually alienating everyone. His list of success include; angering the whole of Liverpool, telling a journalist £250,000 was “chicken feed”, getting involved with friends attempts to beat up a journalist and allegedly stealing cigar cases from a murderous war criminal. We can now add spoiling sex for Berliners to that list. In a rather odd piece, written for the The Telegraph newspaper, Boris Johnson attempted to extol the virtues of Berlin to a readership made up of right wing xenophobes. He explained, via anecdotes about his relatives war time experiences, that Germany was no longer to be feared as a warmonger and could now be seen as cool and friendly. Thanks Boris, I feel so much safer now. He also inadvertently opened the doors to a debate concerning the fines dished out in Berlin for having sex outside. The normal fine is usually €150, but if you’re unemployed you could risk some outdoor adventures for a mere €34 fine. Now the people of Berlin are beginning to question the fairness of this rule, and politicians may be forced to change the law to make one fine for all. So, in conclusion Boris Johnson has taken his alienation show on the road. Not only does he hate the British poor, he hates the German ones too.
From what my German friends tell me, British holidaymakers are the worst. They get sunburnt, drunk and tend to be sick all over the place. I can’t argue with that, but then it’s not like Germans are any better. Take the Ballermann, the notorious resort of the German party goer in Mallorca. The German holidaymakers there maybe better in the sun than us pasty Brits, but their comfort with nudity and ability to drink buckets of cocktails does lead to some interesting evenings on the island. Sadly for the German reveller, the Ballermann faces a threat in the form of a proposed plan to turn the resort into a luxury spa location. This has led to the German newspaper, Bild, to lead a campaign to save the beloved resort. Setting to work, they declared in an editorial “For decades Mallorca made tons of money with the Ballerman tourists. Now they’ve suddenly become too posh,”. Yea, screw you for trying to improve your local area. One tourist opinioned “Ballermann must stay Ballermann. Luxury things don’t belong here,”. Seems legit. Anyway, the Germans needn’t worry, they should just do what the Britons did and move on mass to their favourite resorts and therefore prevent the locals from doing anything about them. Yes, we reinvented the British empire but with more drunken people, strippers and cocktails for €5. Alternatively, you could simply come to the British resorts, I can’t see that being a problem.