In an attempt to remain vaguely relevant, I often base my articles on topical news stories. I had intended to do the same today, but since it’s summer, most journalists are skipping around Italy or some equally warmer climes. This has led to a rise in sun lounger related arguments, but they’re so common they rarely make the front page any more. Instead, this week has seen an increase in slightly odd news stories. Yes, it’s Germany’s silly season in the media. That wonderful time of year where news stories that would usually be printed in the pages between adverts for Aldi special offers and curious German translations of Garfield comics. I haven’t gone on holiday yet, but part of my brain has decided to skip town, so here is a round up of some of the more entertaining stories from this weeks news.
Generally villages are low centresof crime, the worse that could possibly happen is a few lost cows and some kids scrumping all your apples. Sadly, the village of Bergholz, in Mecklenburg Western-Pomerania, has been suffering a terrible crime wave that has caused thousands of Euros worth of damage and ruined the sleep of many residents. In circumstances such as these the police would set about hunting the culprit and bringing their reign of terror to an end. The only problem for the beleaguered folk of Bergholz is that the vandal within their midst happens to be protected under law. In fact the police can do nothing about him, he prowls the streets with no fear of arrest and carries out his acts of vandalism safe in the knowledge that he will never be stopped. You see, the vandal in question is a stork. Yep, Bergholz is under attack from a protected animal. I suppose it would be OK if the feathered scumbag was getting all Banksy or maybe if he was a lovable rogue. Actually, he’s just a stork. You might be wondering how much damage he could possibly do, well lots. This airborne crime wave is attacking cars, lots of cars. The reason? He keeps seeing his reflection in the side of parked vehicles, and mistaking his reflection for a rival, sets about kicking his own ass. Just goes to show you don’t have to be smart to be a criminal kingpin.
The life of a small town planner rarely sees much excitement and that’s perhaps why they have never set a big budget blockbuster in an urban planning office. Imagine how Die Hard would have suffered as maverick town planner, John MClane, navigated the terrifying environs of Stoke on Trent’s new ring road system. That being said, I reckon Transformers would have benefited from having large portions of the movie focus on Optimus Primes’s never ending email argument with Kent county council concerning a badly positioned round-about. Anyway, I digress. Like I said town planning , fairly placid. However, this is not the case in Göttingen. Town gardeners have spent most of this week fending off an advancing army of Cannabis plants that have been planted but the drugs legalization advocates. Although I agree in principle with passive protest over laws, I do wish the people prosecuting the campaign didn’t come across so much like addled hippies. For instance, the group have called themselves “A Few Autonomous Flower Children”…that’s not helping the argument. The group of radical horticulturists then began a photo competition for the best pics of the forbidden shrubs. That sounds fine, but they then decided that no winner would be chosen because “The beauty of the photos is enough,”. Great.
Blinded by the light
Berlin, it’s cool and edgy. We all know this to be fact. If you deny it, you will suffer the punishment of a round the clock, sweaty, danceathon situated in a disused factory in some obscure part of the German capital. While wearing skinny jeans. And possibly in some kind of straw hat. Now we’re all agreed, I can continue. So, as I was saying, Berlin is cool and edgy. This week, one of it’s residents showed it’s edginess by projecting the image of the Kim Dot Com and the words “United Stasi of America” on the side of the American embassy. The artist, Oliver Bienkowski, was motivated by the ongoing reports of America and Britain’s attempt to peer into the lives of all people in existence, including you. I for one disagree with this criticism of the U.K and the U.S. I welcome the attempt by the US to rebuild bridges between it’s loser older brother (the UK) by engaging in group activities again. I mean, it’s been so long since 1775, it’s about time we made up and could finally have Christmas together like a normal family. I would have preferred them to bond over a nice game of Trivial Pursuit or Jenga, but if several billion people have to suffer their emails being read, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay.
Spud you take
Continuing the theme of minor crime sprees, I came across an article that described the heinous act of potato thievery. A kindly farmer type, Friedrich Landsberg, had for many years been leaving potatoes in front of his house for people to buy. Passers by could pick up some starchy produce, day and night, and pay a small sum for the pleasure. Although this plan seemed community spirited, some terrible villain had taken it upon themselves to take as many potatoes as possible and only pay a pittance. In a fury of indignation, the kind spirited Friedrich went all CSI on the culprit and installed cameras to catch the potato purloin-er in the act. After months of work staking (and chips) out his front door, the thief was discovered and identified as one of these guys. Well, actually, it was some tight fisted git who cared little for the honour system. Hopefully old Friedrich has learnt his lesson, all people are bastards and never trust them. I can imagine that he is now setting up an electrified fence and watch towers in order to fully protect his stock from further depletion.
Woman might have a baby
Finally, a woman in England might have a baby at some point. If you would like to select the sex of the child, please call 0800 GETAGRIP.